


Help, Help! Don’t Save Me.

by FutureX



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:34:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23890906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FutureX/pseuds/FutureX
Summary: This is one of the more angsty works I’ve written so far. Read with caution because I am truly not that great but I love these two way too much.Involves some arguments, a hostage situation (b/c who doesn’t love those), Noah fluff, Badass Benson moments, & a lot of feels.Enjoy! & please let me know of any suggestions whether it be about a prompt or criticism!I'm on tumblr @astoriablehh so you can get to know me there!
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 17
Kudos: 57





	1. How Did We Get Here?

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: canon-level violence (hostage sit., gun weilding, ya know the ushe)
> 
> Characters belong to Dick Wolf.

Today was not a normal day at the station. Olivia's eyes strained as she sat at her desk still plodding over what has become almost 12 hours of paperwork. She was thankful that it was a slow day, but it made for long hours. She had hoped someone would walk into her office and occupy her for the next hour at least. The detectives didn't bother to do that anymore though. Once she earned the title 'Captain', they got unnecessarily intimidated a little. There are only two people willing to visit her on days like this, and Sargent Tutuola was out today.

Olivia thought as she worked. There was one face she just couldn't get out of her head. He had crept into her mind as she pondered who would stride into her office and keep her company. No sooner than she started focusing on the DD-5 she was reviewing, a silhouette appeared in her doorway. She hadn't heard a knock or the movement of the knob, but she could guess who it was.

" _ Captain  _ Benson," She could see the rise of his brow out of her peripherals, "it just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?" He leaned against the door frame and she could tell he was waiting for her to usher him in. 

"Come in, counselor." Olivia's voice came out as a huff. He sauntered in, sat across from her at her desk and eyed the new nameplate. They had only met up like this - after normal hours in the precinct - twice since his return to Manhattan. Sure, he wasn't working with the Special Victims Unit anymore, but he was always welcome to drop by. At least that's what she had told him. 

"Rough day?" He inquired and the drawn-out exhale from Benson confirmed his suspicions. "I figured I'd stop by on my way home, make sure you were doing alright. Maybe take you up on that raincheck for drinks? You look like you need it." On the outside, his mouth turned up in his signature smirk. However, on the inside, he berated himself for even bringing up anything about her 'look'. He half expected a smartass retort about his remark. Olivia could tell he was trying to tread lightly and she was almost thankful.

"You know, I'd love to, but Lucys at home waiting for me," She glanced down at her watch for the fifth time in the last twenty minutes. He heard her curse under her breath. It would've been inaudible if they weren't alone, "and I'm already late." He looked at her with slight disappointment and regretted even bothering to ask. He knew she sensed the hurt in his expression but he didn't try to hide it. 

"No problem. I get it." He started to stand and Olivia got up as well, taking off her glasses and closing her laptop. He saw this movement and stopped halfway.

"Barba." 

"Benson?" He hated that she had reverted back to surnames, but that's part of the price to pay. 

"Just.. wait, okay?" She could tell he was upset. They read each other's faces so easily; they could communicate the equivalent of an hour-long rant with a single glance. His face was turned away from her, but she saw the pain in his body language when she rejected his offer and again when she called him by his last name. He spun around slowly as if he didn't want to hear what she had to say - for his sake. She started again, her tone softer than before, "I really would like to take you up on the offer, but I -" He cut her off with a scoff. 

"If I had a nickel for every time I have heard that from you." He sounded less angry with her and more disappointed in himself. She saw this and approached him with an outstretched arm. The famous comforting skills of Olivia Benson herself. He didn't allow her to reach him though. Instead, he walked out of her office and headed toward the elevator. Olivia grabbed her coat and bag, locking her office quickly and trying to catch up with the counselor. 

Then, he heard it. It was resounding and caused him to stop in his tracks as he stormed off. 

"Rafael! I swear to..." She stopped herself from groaning at his insufferableness when she saw him frozen in place in front of the elevator doors. "Rafael. Look at me." He stood still with his back to her. She knew what he was waiting to hear. She just didn't know if she still trusted him enough to say it. "Look. At. Me." Olivia wasn't yelling but he could hear the strain in her voice and see the furrow of her brow as he stayed silent. "Why are you so upset? It's not that big of a deal, its a drink." This time, he did turn to her.

He tried so hard not to raise his voice.  _ That Cuban blood of yours makes for a terrible temper _ , she used to say. After that, he tried to keep it in check around her but sometimes she was just too infuriating. "Maybe not to you." He paused and worked up the courage to continue, "You know, I get it. You do have responsibilities but sometimes you have to take some time for yourself. You don't do that anymore, Olivia. We used to go out for drinks after work all the time - and you still got to put baby Noah to bed." He thought for a moment if he should have mentioned the boy at all. Then he decided maybe that's not what it was about. In his moment of pause, she hadn't said a word. She knew he had more to say. "Is this about me leaving? Because, Liv, I never stopped trusting you. I trusted that you would understand why I needed to take some time for myself, get away from the job. I just didn't know your trust in me had faded so quickly, that's all." He watched her eyes well with tears when he called her by her nickname. She was tired and wanted to get home to her son, but she wanted to have this conversation before it was too late. 

"Rafael," she sighed, letting a tear fall, "I do trust you. I just don't want to cause pain for Noah. He loves you, you're family to him. He was devastated when you left. He didn't know if you would even come back. Neither did I. It hasn't been easy for me and I know you're aware of that. I am still working through what I felt in your absence. When you visit and walk in like everything is the same, my heart stops. Mostly because I'm happy to see you walk through that door, but also because it reminds me that things aren't like they were a year ago. I missed you, Rafael. I  _ still _ miss you." She hung her head for a second then remembered where they were. Olivia looked in Rafael's eyes and behind the sad green pools, she saw something she never knew he could feel. Defeat. It's not what she intended - to make him feel like his pursuits were a lost cause. She just needed more time but she felt like she couldn't have it.

They shared a somber glance as she walked toward the elevator and got in, heading home to her responsibilities. He stood slumped in the middle of the hallway where the woman he cared so deeply for had just told him exactly what he didn't want to hear. He never expected this when he walked into the precinct tonight. Barba was expecting a warm welcome and lovely evening catching up with his best friend. Now, he had to sulk home and pray for the will to go to work the next morning. Being back in the Brooklyn DAs office wasn't ideal, but it was a job. When Barba was sure Olivia was out of the building and headed home, he descended in the elevator and hailed a cab. 

# # #

Olivia woke up this morning still contemplating what was said last night. She fixed breakfast and got Noah ready to leave but even her little guy could tell something was wrong. 

"Are you okay, mommy? Do you feel poorly?" He looked at her with such concern in his eyes, Olivia couldn't bear to let him think anything was up.

"No, sweet boy, mommy's fine. I'm still a little sleepy, that's all. Go grab your bag, sweetie." She hated not being able to tell her son that she was worried his Uncle Rafa wouldn't speak to her anymore and that he would avoid her at all costs because she couldn't keep her mouth shut. He returned from his room momentarily and sat down on the couch beside his mom. 

"Alright." Noah looked at his mother lovingly and came up with a suggestion, "You should take a nap. Lucy can take me to school." Olivia loved that he had problem-solving skills at his age, but she didn't want to leave him this morning. He was the one thing she could focus on without her thoughts drifting completely to Barba and whatever was going on there.

"Well baby, mommy doesn't really want -" Olivia was cut off by a call from Fin. Her eyes were widened and she couldn't breathe for what felt like hours. Noah didn't notice her expressions; he had turned his attention to the new keychain stuck on the zipper of his backpack. A gift from his Uncle Rafa. Olivia turned to her son, placing a hand on his small shoulder and her other palm on his cheek. "Okay. Noah? Look at me, honey. Lucy is going to come to pick you up and take you to school. Mommy has to go help someone. Okay?" Noah nodded and Olivia hugged her son tightly. "I love you, Noah." She placed a kiss to his forehead as he responded, telling her he loved her as well. 

Lucy knocked on Olivia's door about fifteen minutes later. She checked the peephole and opened the door. Lucy was in the apartment for all of two seconds before Olivia said her salutations and rushed out. 

When she reached her squad car she pulled out in a hurry with the sirens on. Olivia couldn't hold back her tears as she thought of the situation she was about to head into. 

# # #

Rafael sat in an uncomfortable chair in his old office at Hogan Place with his hands restrained behind his back and throbbing pain in his skull. The man towering above him was the cold and complacent Adam Cain. He would never forget the man that choked him with a belt during the prosecution of the first case he worked with SVU, seven years ago. How he got out of prison, he didn't know, but he only hoped that someone got him out of here before he finished what he started in that courtroom.

Barba had visited his old office this morning purely to see if they had replaced him yet. He was sure they did, but the expansive office was empty. He walked around in the office looking over the supplied furniture that used to make him feel at home. His office was part of why he loved the job. It was where he prepared his arguments and practiced his courtroom manner. Its where he had the occasional night-cap with his favorite Lieutenant. He didn't even hear the assailant step into the room but he felt the sting when the butt of a gun came in contact with his head. Cain was livid. He blamed Barba for ruining his stellar career, taking away his power in the media, causing the pain he endured those seven years in prison. Rafael apologized for the latter. He honestly didn't want to utter the word to that man, but he would do anything to avoid causing harm to the rest of the SVU squad. If he had to take the brunt of Cain's anger to save the rest of the team, he would. A voice outside the room brought him from his thoughts and made him tense. The phone line in the office was still active and he knew there would be a call shortly. 

Adam Cain continued to pace around recounting every female he had interviewed on his show, each one he admired, slept with, and "unknowingly assaulted" as he put it. "You hear that? They've called in the cavalry." He spoke with a smirk that made Barba sick. Cain was having fun. Barba never expected, out of all the people he had put in jail, for this guy to be the one to come back for revenge. "Hey. I know you remember that brown-haired, brown-eyed piece of ass in charge of the detectives that arrested me. She's one I'd still like to slap around. What was her name?" he feigned deep thought and the room quieted. Suddenly, he yelled out, "Olivia Benson!" He shook his head and looked over to the desk where the phone was. "When do you think they will call? I know they're out there. I want to see her." As soon as the words left his mouth, the phone rang. Even Barba could hear the voice on the other end of the line. 

" _ What is it that you want Adam?" _

"You'll never guess who I've got here with me." He didn't give her a chance to speak and started again, "You know, they say two is company but three's a crowd. Well, I'd beg to differ." Cain looked at Barba with a grin. Rafael knew what he was doing. He tried not to let it get to him. His jaw tensed as he heard Olivia on the phone.

_ " You have to let ADA Barba go. That is the only way I will come in."  _ Rafael couldn't help but think that she shouldn't be worried about him, he just wanted her to be safe, and that may not be the case if she willingly walks into a hostage situation. He heard the phone being picked up off the desk, dropped on the floor and felt Cain's presence beside him. Adam placed the gun to Rafael's temple. 

"Listen, Olivia. I have just placed a gun to your friend Barba's head. I am not playing a game. I call the shots. You get your tight ass in here or I blow his brains out." Barba's eyes became wet and he knew he wouldn't last much longer without a sob escaping his throat. The other end of the line was silent for four seconds. Cain spoke again, impatiently, "Don't make me count down, Livvie!", the ADA flinched at his words. "I won't give you much time..." Cain warned again, "Three," Barba shuddered beneath the pressure of the gun pointed at him, "two," he began to wonder if they were gonna show up, or just sacrifice him. Cain gave Barba a look that he almost read as pity. He watched as Adam placed the phone back up to his ear and began to speak. "One."


	2. Where Do We Go Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is very intense. You've been warned. Read at your own discretion.
> 
> All characters belong to Dick Wolf.

Rafael Barba had never imagined himself in this situation. His heart was beating a mile a minute, and he was sure Cain could hear it. He started to think about his family. His mother, Lucia, and how devastated she would be. How angry she would be with him that he let things get this far. She loved him so much and he often took her for granted. Then he began to think about Olivia. His best friend, partner, and the women he cared so much for. He wouldn’t blame her for not barging in to save him. He wasn’t as valuable as an ADA anymore, and he knew she wouldn’t let whatever her feelings were for him affect her work. 

While he was caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t realize that Cain hadn’t shot him. He heard him reach the end of his countdown, yet he didn’t feel anything. Maybe he _was_ dead, maybe that's why he didn’t feel it. What he did feel was a soft touch on his hairline, along with a soothing voice urging him to open his eyes. 

“Rafael, please look at me. I need to know you’re okay.”  _ I know that voice _ . 

Afraid of facing his fate, he opened his eyes and couldn’t believe the face he saw in front of him. “Olivia? Wh-Why are you here? What happened?” He whipped his head around to survey the room and winced at the surge of pain to his skull. 

“Don’t move, Rafa, you may have a concussion.” Her voice was calm and soft, unbroken.  _ How could she be so relaxed?  _ “Adam, ADA Barba is fine for now, but soon he is going to need to go.” She addressed the man Rafael hoped wouldn’t be there when he opened his eyes. 

Barba rejoined reality and took note of where everyone was. Olivia stood upright beside him with a protective hand on his shoulder, squeezing, to let him know she was there. Cain wandered around the room, circling them, taking an extra interest in Benson’s backside. Barba felt his anger swelling and knew he had to get them out of here. But he was incapacitated - mentally and physically. 

“I didn’t invite you in here to take care of your little boy-toy, Olivia. The only reason he is still alive is that both of you have to help me.” Olivia looked at him incredulously. “What? Do you think I’m stupid? The ADA and the SVU Captain that put me in jail. You can tell everyone you made it up over some stupid vendetta against me. The NYPD is infamous for being corrupt, people would believe it.”  _ Maybe he is stupid _ , Rafael thought. He sounded crazy. His erratic movements and wide gesticulations only added to that observation. That's when Barba realized that Cain wasn’t getting out of there alive. 

“Mr.Cain, you know no one will believe that. There are officers surrounding the building. If you want to get out of here alive, you will have to let us go. We can’t guarantee you anything other than your life. You’ll go back to jail, but at least you’ll still be alive.” She was trying to reason with him, but he wasn’t having it. 

“ _ Ms _ .Benson, you must know that it's much better to be dead than in jail. You know as well as I do what happens to a rapist in jail.” He stopped pacing to look at her, still standing with her hand on Barba’s shoulder. “Get away from him,” he said as he pointed the gun between the two of them. Olivia backed off reluctantly, squeezing his shoulder one last time. Cain nudged the gun to the side, signaling to her to move until she was on the opposite side of the office. He sat in thought and smiled evilly as he came up with an idea. Then, he laughed. Barba looked pleadingly at Olivia.  _ This is bad. _ She read his expression and knew exactly what he meant, she nodded. 

“Well, if I’m leaving this office in a body bag, I may as well have some fun.” Olivia wished now more than ever that she knew what was going on outside. Cain had placed Barba in the middle of the office, his back to the door. Adam stayed between the two of them, out of the sight of the windows. He wasn’t smart enough to place himself there purposely, he just got lucky. “So here is what you’re gonna do,” he pointed the gun at Barba and spoke to Olivia, “Take off his belt.” He grinned widely as he watched the realization hit Barba’s face.  _ The one day I decided against suspenders. _ Olivia held her hands up but didn't move. 

“Adam, I’m not going to do that.” She didn’t want to know what he planned to do. Memories flooded her mind of that day in the courtroom.  _ Show me how you like it! _ She had seen what he could do with a belt, and that day, Barba didn’t even get the worst of it.  _ No marks. _

“Yes, you will, or I’ll blow his brains out. I have no reason to keep him anymore.” Olivia hung her head and shook it in disbelief. “ _ Move! _ ” he yelled this time, pointing the gun at the SVU Captain. Olivia started slowly towards Barba and he just watched with a pained expression on his face. He couldn’t register anything that was happening with the pain surging through his head. She bent down in front of him and her hands moved toward the buckle of his belt and she glanced up to him. He couldn’t watch her do something he had dreamt about countless times, due to the absolutely horrid situation they were in. Barba averted his eyes and she undid the buckle, sliding the smooth leather through the loops. Olivia gathered the strip in her hand and slowly backed away to her former spot on the other side of the room, hands in the air again. Cain approached her and jerked the belt from her grasp. She flinched at the sharp contact. It seemed to both Barba and Benson that no one was going to save them from their situation, at least not before Cain could inflict some serious trauma. 

Adam stayed put beside Olivia and grabbed her handcuffs from their spot on her belt. She grimaced, remembering now that she had forgotten to get rid of them along with her gun before coming in. “Well, I’m glad you supplied these. Thanks, ever so, Liv.” He grabbed her wrists harshly and she tried to fight him. He already had one hand restrained and was twisting it behind her before she could get any leeway. “Don’t fight, or he dies,” he spoke through gritted teeth into her ear. She didn’t understand how she had become so helpless. She was supposed to be here to save Rafael and get Cain back where he belonged, but somehow, she was now the target of his anger. He cuffed her wrists behind her back and held her shoulders as he kicked the back of her knees, causing her to fall to the ground. She locked eyes with Rafael and hers began to well with tears. Here she was on her knees, handcuffed and crying in the middle of his office.  _ How did it get this bad? _ She wondered. 

“Adam. Please don’t hurt her. Look, don’t you want to finish what you started all those years ago?” Rafael couldn't believe what he was saying. He just wanted Cain to leave Olivia alone. She didn’t deserve to go through this. After all that she has been through. When Cain didn’t say anything, Barba goaded him. “Show  _ me  _ how you like it, huh?” Rafael immediately regretted it. He watched helplessly, muttering anything he thought would get him away from Olivia. Urging, pleading. But Cain looped the belt and placed it around her neck. Rafael squeezed his eyes shut and he felt the restraints at his wrists and ankles as he pulled against them.

“Oh, no. I want you to watch. Open your eyes. I may go easy on her.” Rafael obeyed and tears streamed down his face as he met Olivia’s gaze with his own. She was stoic. She had reverted to the mindset she had when Lewis had her in that tower.  _ Do what you’re gonna do. _

The belt was taught and he saw the lines of worry break through Olivia’s expression. “Say it,” Cain spoke to Barba, but the ADA looked at him quizzically before looking back down to Benson. “Say it!” Again, Adam watched as the realization hit. Barba knew, but he refused. He knew how he reacted last time. When he didn’t say anything, Cain pulled on the belt. Olivia gasped for air for all of two seconds, then he let up. “Stay silent, and next time it’ll be five seconds.” Rafael weighed his options. Benson watched the wheels turn and caught his gaze. She shook her head, knowing what would happen. Growing impatient, Cain stepped forward and pulled the gun from his waistband. He pointed it at Barba and pulled a little tighter on the belt. Rafael looked at Olivia again, this time she saw the same sad expression as last night. She felt a sob rising, but couldn’t act on it with the belt around her throat. Barba saw this and felt terrible. He decided to give in.

“Show me how you li-” Barbas words were cut off by the sound of glass breaking and Olivia’s broken scream as Cain involuntarily pulled on the belt and he dropped to the floor. Liv slumped and started to sob. Rafael had another pained expression on his face and his eyes were shut, willing the tears not to come. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the carpet growing red with the blood pooling around Cain’s head and shoulders. The office door boomed open and EMTs rushed in alongside some officers. In seconds, his eyes shut again, this time without conscious control and the world went black around him. 

# # #

Barba had always wondered why hospitals were so white. Everything was stark and unsettling. It bothered him now more than ever as he tried to awake. His eyes strained at the contrast in lighting. He was grateful when he finally did open his eyes. He felt a weight against his forearm and a hand entwined with his own. Liv. He tried to speak but his throat was dry. He managed to shake his hand slightly. She lifted her head and looked up. “Rafael.” She spoke softly and reached up to move a stray hair. A small smile graced her lips and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. Barba managed a strained smile and motioned to the overbed table further down the bed. She reached over to the cup of water and handed it to him. He drank it all and was able to find his voice.

“Thank you.” He spoke and she smiled at him again. He would never tire of seeing her smile. She was beautiful. Even after a grueling day and little to no sleep. 

“I wanted to be here when you woke up.” She said as she leaned back into her seat, not letting go of his hand. “They said that the sniper didn’t have a shot until the last minute. Apparently Cain was lucky enough to stay out of sight until then.” Her eyes watered and he reached across to cover their hands. “You had a concussion. It wasn’t bad but they wanted to keep you here until you woke up. There's also a small cut on the back of your head. You didn’t need stitches though.”

“Yeah, I felt that one. But, what about you?” He looked just below her chin to see a set of parallel, thin red lines about three inches long. “I feel so bad.” She pulled her hand from his and he saddened at the loss of contact. She rubbed the side of her neck, shrinking away from him.

“I’m fine.” He knew she wasn’t. He saw the look on her face when Cain put that belt around her neck. 

“Liv, I am so sorry. I should have done something.” Now his eyes were burning with tears. She stayed silent with a hand cupped to the side of her throat. She was looking at the floor, her lap, the door, anything but him. “Olivia. Please.” She reluctantly met his gaze and he watched the tears silently fall. “I know it was a lot. And I  _ am  _ sorry. I wish I could have taken your place.” 

“Barba, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m alive, you’re alive. That's what matters.” He nodded but he couldn’t help but wonder how much she was beating herself up about it. She did absolutely nothing wrong, but Rafael knew she felt as though she could have done something to prevent the whole thing. He was right. She was running it through her mind again and again. As much as she hated it. She replayed that day in her head so many times and every time she ended up helpless and kneeling on the floor. Olivia blamed herself for letting her feelings for her ex-coworker cloud her judgment.

Rafael took note of how she addressed him by his surname and knew he shouldn’t push it any further. He wanted so badly to keep her safe but he knew she wouldn’t let herself depend on anyone. 

“You’re right. All that matters is that you're here. Thank you.” He tried to shift the mood a little so they didn’t get too depressed. “Has anyone called my mother?”

“No, I uh, I didn’t know if you wanted me to tell her or to wait for you to explain.” Olivia seemed grateful to turn the attention away from herself.

“Where’s my phone?” Barba looked around the room and on the overbed table but didn’t see it. Olivia reached in her back pocket and handed him his cellphone with a small smile. “Thanks.” He started dialing and Liv got up from her chair and started toward the door. 

“I don’t want to be here when she starts yelling Spanish indecencies at you.” She gave a small chuckle and headed out towards the lobby. Rafael held the phone to his ear and waited for the onslaught of reprimanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly: I am so sorry. I didn't know where I was gonna go with it until it was already typed. Granted, this would NEVER actually happen but it makes for some interesting plot lines later in the story.   
> Again, feedback on my writing is appreciated but please be nice :)   
> Let me know what you think and leave any suggestions for something to include in the comments!


	3. What Does This Mean for Us?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Olivia have a discussion. But in the end, there may be more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a VERY specific way so that it will fit a timeline later on. So, I know a few of you mentioned that these two characters just need to let their guards down and talk to each other, so that is the subject we are broaching here. 
> 
> Enjoy & as always, let me know what you think and leave any suggestions for future chapters in the comments! :)

Rafael tried to put the conversation with his mother out of his mind. She was loving but still managed to chide him. Overall, she was understanding and that meant a lot to him. But right now, he couldn’t stop thinking about Benson and what she was dealing with. He wanted her to talk to him. They trusted each other, he thought, and so why was it so hard for her to confide in him. What is your best friend for if they can’t help you through your hardest times? Barba decided to ask the nurse to get Olivia for him, as he was still not allowed to move around too much. He didn’t want to push her, but he thought a little nudge would do her some good. 

When she walked back into the room, the air felt heavy. Almost like she knew what he would say. Olivia didn’t sit down, she just leaned against the wall by the door. 

“Liv, can you sit?” He spoke with no authority as to not unsettle her even more. He gave her a pleading look and she conceded, taking her spot beside his bed. He wanted to reach out to her but figured he shouldn’t right now. Barba could tell that she was gearing up to shoot down any proposition he was about to make. “Olivia.” She started to hold her hand up and closed her eyes. She knew the tone, he didn’t have to say very much. Rafael took this opportunity to grab her hand and soldier on. She visibly relaxed at his touch. Olivia hated that he had such a calming effect on her; all he had to do was touch her. All of those days at the courthouse, after stressful trials and testimonies, he would usher her out the doors with a hand on the small of her back. It made her feel like, at that moment, everything would be okay. It was the same now except her brain kept screaming at her that it wasn’t going to be okay. 

“I know you don’t want to talk about it right now, I know. But please, Liv, promise me you will talk to Dr. Lindstrom. Also, promise me that you’ll remember that I’m here. We went through it together, it could be helpful to confide in each other.” She didn’t speak but she nodded. Their hands were still together and sat upon Rafael’s thigh. He stroked the top of her hand with his thumb. She squeezed his hand tightly before she spoke.

“While you were on the phone with your mother I called Lindstrom.” She almost smiled at the reminder that Rafael knew what she needed at that moment and he wasn’t afraid to ask her about it. “I - uh, I made an appointment. He said it was best if I see him tomorrow so I'll have to leave pretty early tonight to rest.” Olivia looked at him as if she had hurt him.

“Liv, you should have been resting this whole time. It’s just a concussion and a small cut.” He tried to reassure her. “Not that I don’t like your company, of course.” Rafael smiled a genuine smile. Not a smirk or a half-smile that disappeared as quickly as it formed; this was a smile that could only be brought on by one person.

Olivia returned his grin and spoke, “I know it was difficult for you, too. We can talk about it if you want.” It was Rafael’s turn to tense up. But he didn’t let go of her hand. He thought he should at least try to talk to her, even if only to prove to her that she can trust him because he trusts her. 

“Yeah. It was hard for me to watch. I felt helpless.” He opened up and once he started, it didn’t feel right not to mention what bothered him most. “I hate that I couldn’t do anything to stop him. But mostly I just hated seeing _my_ belt used against you.” He stopped to rub the tears out of his eyes, “I’m sorry, that sounds so selfish.” This time he did let go of her and placed both hands over his face, shielding himself from her gaze. Olivia looked at him comfortingly, there was no pity, really, just unadulterated care and concern.

“I get it.” She paused, gathering all of her strength to speak. “As soon as he told me to take it off, I knew what he was doing. He wasn’t exactly a genius but he wasn’t stupid either. Cain knew it would bother you to see him -” She was cut off by Barba grabbing her hand that was still by his knee. His look conveyed exactly what he was thinking. _You don’t have to do this._ But she wanted to open up to him as he had done with her. Olivia’s eyes found the floor and she kept on, “He knew the effect it would have on you to see him hurt me with something that belonged to you.” Rafael noticed how she wouldn’t say the word. “So, it’s not selfish. I understand.” When she looked back up at him, Olivia couldn’t pull her eyes away. Rafael’s gaze bore into her, not in an uncomfortable way, but like he knew every thought that had crossed her mind earlier that day in his office. Every emotion she felt when she waited for him to wake up. Every concern was etched into her features. Olivia suddenly got shy under his stare and shifted in her seat. 

“Thank you. For waiting here, for talking to me.” Barba couldn’t help but smile a little as she cleared her throat and pulled out her phone to look at the time. _7:03._ She let go of his hand and stood up. 

“I should get going. I told Lucy I’d be home around seven.” Rafael nodded and Olivia gave him a smile. Just then, a nurse came in with a clipboard. 

“Sorry to interrupt. Mr.Barba, you are set to go home now. You just have to sign a couple of papers.” She smiled and walked over to hand him the clipboard. Rafael saw Olivia typing on her phone. He signed the papers and nodded at the nurse. He looked up at Olivia.

“I thought you were going. I’m sure you’re anxious to get rid of me.” He smirked and decided not to acknowledge the implication behind his statement.

“I was just texting Lucy that I would be a little late.” Olivia paused and motioned to the door. “Can I offer you a ride, Counselor?” 

# # #

Liv dropped Barba off at his apartment. She asked if he needed any help getting upstairs, to which he replied with a simple ‘No, thank you.’ The ride had been silent. It was odd; usually, they always had something they could talk about. Rafael attributed the lack of conversation to the events of that day. Olivia was exhausted and so was he. He just wanted to get up to his apartment and go to bed after a long shower. They parted with a simple nod from each of them. 

Once in his apartment, Rafael’s mind seemed to drift anywhere and everywhere. He pushed away the thoughts about Cain and focused on Olivia. He really did want her to recover from this. She was strong, he knew that. He decided to ponder the events at the hospital. Her comforting grasp, the way she waited there for him to wake up, and how she offered him a ride even though she was late getting home to Noah. Rafael knew she cared for him. He wished he could know if she cared for him out of something more than friendship. He hated to think he had misinterpreted all of the knowing looks, the early mornings at their favorite coffee cart, and the soft brush of her hand against his when she needed some comfort. 

As he got in the shower, he chided himself for even allowing the thought that she wanted anything more than a comfortable working relationship. They were together a lot with the job and Olivia had to form some kind of repertoire with the ADA if she was going to be able to do her job. At least that's what he told himself. 

About three miles down the road, Olivia was thinking the same thing. She had never really addressed what she felt for Rafael before now. She knew she cared for him, but didn’t want to think about how much. He was her best friend, the one she could count on in trying times like these, and he was there for her. Rafael was so attentive to her. She usually couldn’t stand a man watching out for her, even so subtly. But with him it was different. He wasn’t trying to protect her because she was a woman or because she seemed fragile. Barba did it because he...Olivia cut herself off in her thoughts. She physically shook herself out of her reverie and headed upstairs to her son.

# # #

The next few days seemed to drag on forever. Rafael and Olivia had both been encouraged - ordered - to take the whole week off. Of course, Barba insisted on working from home the whole time and Benson tried to when she wasn’t spending much-needed time with Noah. Her son had been there to distract her from dwelling on what happened in Rafael’s former office. It was when she woke up to her empty bed and when she went to sleep in the same space that she couldn’t stop the wandering thoughts. Olivia was plagued by nightmares the first few days, even after her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. She had contemplated on many occasions taking Rafael up on his offer to call. She even thought back to what they had said to each other that night in the squad room. 

Tonight, the contemplation was overwhelming. She needed to call Barba, but somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to dial the number she knew by heart. This time, she didn’t have to. The call came through as she sat her phone on the bed beside her and picked up a file. Seeing the caller ID, she immediately dropped the manila folder and answered it. Hearing his voice was everything she needed it to be. 

“Hey, Liv. I hope it's not too late.” Rafael spoke quietly on the other end.

“Hi. It’s not too late, I was just about to look over some things for work.” She sighed, her frustration with being stuck at home influencing her response.

“How did it go with Lindstrom?”

“It went well. I’ve learned a lot of coping skills from him in the past, now I just have to remember to use them.” She almost laughed at her own jab, but she caught herself.

Rafael’s voice came through softly again, “That's good. You know, I’ve never really had to talk to anyone about these things. It’d be nice to have some ideas about what I should do.”

The conversation carried on in an interestingly professional manner. Olivia gave Rafael some tips about dealing with the aftermath of a trauma. Some things she had learned from the good doctor and some she had learned through the job. Rafael had heard of some of the skills, but still learned some things he thought would help him in the long run. 

“Rafa, I really would like to talk about something with you.” She heard the faint rustle of his sheets on the other end, signaling he had gotten comfortable. “I don’t think either of us is in the right headspace to talk about it all now, but I do want you to think a little on it so we can both share our opinions.” He hummed in response. Rafael told himself he didn’t know what she would want to talk about that seemed so serious, but subconsciously he did know. “I really care about you, Rafael. I know you are aware of that. I also know that you care a great deal for me.” When he didn’t say anything, Olivia worried that she had said too much. 

Just when she was about to apologize, he responded, “I do, Olivia, but I don’t know if we should acknowledge it. We are both aware of how much we care and in what way. I just don't want to pressure you. What happened opened my eyes to a lot of things, my feelings for you being one of them. I am only concerned that this will push the envelope a little far. If things go badly, I would never want to hurt you or Noah.” The mention of her son’s name made her eyes sting with tears. Noah looked up to his Uncle Rafa, she couldn’t take that away from him for what could possibly only be a fling. 

“I know,” she choked out, “as I said, it’s not something we need or have to talk about right now.” Olivia was almost hurt at the thought of letting this go on like before. She had to curb her tongue as the meaning of his previous words hit her. “We don’t even have to talk about it again if you don’t want to.” This is why she didn’t want to discuss such a sensitive topic when they were already shaken up. 

However, Rafael carried on, “I understand. For now, I just want to check in with you for the next few days. Can we at least get through the week?” His words seemed forced, but Olivia knew what he was trying to tell her without really telling her. She calmed as she realized he wasn’t dismissing the idea of them, he just needed time to get over one hurdle in order to face the next. One that she hoped didn’t have to be as daunting. 

“Of course.” Olivia’s voice was calm and soothing. “Why don’t you tell me about work?” She didn’t ever inquire too much about his new job. It was the same as it was when he worked in Manhattan, without the noteworthy personnel. But she did know that talking about it would take his mind away from the previous conversation, and for that Rafael was thankful. 

“I don’t think I can afford your consultation fee.” With one smart-ass remark, the whole mood changed. They slipped back into old ways. It was comforting to know that they didn’t always have to be so serious.

“I don’t have a fee. Unless a free coffee every now and then is considered.” Olivia smiled on her end and couldn’t help picturing them walking down to their coffee cart on a morning after dropping Noah off at school, kissing goodbye, and going their separate ways to work. She had often thought of them as a family as they were, but the idea of them being so domestic brought upon a flutter in her stomach that she couldn’t seem to shake. 

The call carried on well into the night, with each party trading details on the cases they had missed at work. They fell into a pattern for the next few days. Waiting until about 9 PM to call and talking until sleep took over. It was cathartic for them to be able to communicate about the events that still seemed to hang over their heads. Eventually, the conversations would take on a more playful tone, sometimes venturing into flirty. Olivia often felt like a teenager waiting by the phone for Rafael to call. Barba, however, felt even more childish as he had nothing to occupy his time anymore and always looked forward to speaking with her. He would sit on his couch and think about what to say to her; he was aware of his tendency to overthink a lot of things, but this never felt like that. Rafael was just enamored with her, plain and simple. On the days that she would call early and let Noah say goodnight, his heart swelled. He could get used to this.


	4. Who Makes the First Move?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are made, flirty phone calls mentioned, and glimpses into the next chapter...
> 
> Characters belong to Dick Wolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is pure filler and a very quick read. Kind of like a recap. I wanted to progress the story and still save the best parts for the next chapter. Less of a cliffhanger more like a steep decline that we will slowly venture down together.
> 
> Also: huge thanks to @joyfulmariskahgt for being patient with me during my dreadful block and being such a creative mind :)

It had been a week since the incident at One Hogan Place. Olivia had spent a lot of time with Noah and it was beginning to get slightly overwhelming. She loved the little boy, of course, but she had never had to experience the full-time mom thing. One night while on a phone call with Barba, she came up with an idea. Rafael was droning on about how missing work was going to put him in a stressful position when he went back on Monday. Olivia was only half listening as she tried to find a way to mention her idea. She decided to just rip off the bandaid and in doing so, interrupted Barba. “So, I have a question for you.” The other side of the line fell silent. 

“Olivia, I was talking about something. Were you even listening to me?” Rafael quickly added, “Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t think I want to know.”

“I apologize for interrupting you. I just really wanted to ask you something.” His silence was a signal for her to go on. “Well, I know you’ve been missing Noah lately and I would love to have a day off of mom duty.” 

Before she finished, Rafael interjected. “Olivia, I’m not so sure that I should watch Noah on my own. I don’t really know -”

“Of course not, Rafael. I just meant maybe we could go out for a day. Grab some lunch and spend the day at the park or go to a museum. Something to get out of the house. Plus, I’m sure Noah is very anxious to spend some time with his Uncle Rafa.”

“Did you tell him I was back in town?” Barba was pretty anxious too. He hadn’t seen the little guy since he left and wasn’t sure if his mother had mentioned his return. 

“I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I thought it would be a nice surprise.” Olivia began to get nervous as if she had done something she shouldn’t have. “Unless you don’t want to spend the day with us?” Her tone sounded playful but there was a detectable amount of truth in her question.

“Liv, I would love to see both of you.” They both paused for a second and each smiled on their end of the line. “Just let me know what time and where.” As Olivia replied with her approval, he glanced down at the time. “It’s getting pretty late, I should probably get in bed. I have a big day tomorrow, you know.”

“Yes, of course. I will text you in the morning. Goodnight.” 

“Dulce sueños, Olivia.” Rafael hung up with a wide grin still plastered on his face. A couple of miles away, Benson shared the same giddy expression. 

# # #

It was only seven o’clock when Noah rolled out of bed the next morning. Olivia was still sound asleep, but her son had other plans. The intelligent child awoke slowly and grabbed his stuffed elephant, affectionately named Eddie, and sped over to his mother’s room across the hall. He eased the door open, glancing over at Olivia, as she laid there asleep on the left side of the bed, curled into the softness of her feathered pillow. She always slept closer to the door just in case her son ever needed her. Noah padded over to his sleeping caretaker, smiling at her relaxed expression. Like any other child, he then hopped up onto the bed, quite suddenly, jolting his mother awake. 

Olivia clutched her chest feeling her heart beating rapidly as she spotted the small figure at her feet. Glancing over at the alarm clock, she inwardly groaned.   
  


“Goodmorning, sweet boy. How did you sleep?” She made light conversation with her growing toddler while reluctantly climbing out of bed to choose an outfit for herself. Noah decided to tell his mother about his dream from last night. Something about dinosaurs, robots, and giant hamsters. Eddie was even featured in his dreamscape, too. 

“Mommy, what are we doing today?” Today’s plans had been the only thing on her mind since she woke up. 

“Well, sweetheart. I have a little surprise for you. But you don’t get to find out what it is until we get to where we’re going, okay?” Olivia smiled as Noah nodded excitedly. “Now come on, we gotta get you fed, cleaned up, and dressed.”

On the other side of town, surrounded by luxury flats, Barba's apartment was silent as he remained in bed laden with sleep. To quiet the sudden obnoxious buzzing of his phone, Rafael answered groggily, “Barba.”

“Well hello there, sunshine.” Olivia laughed on the other end, “I was going to text you but I figured you weren’t awake yet. I decided a call would probably fix that.” As Barba gathered his thoughts and realized what was happening today, he jumped out of bed, wiping the sleep from his eyes. While completely forgetting he was on the phone. “Rafael? You there?”

“Oh, sorry. Yes. I’m here. So what’s the plan?” He didn’t always wake up so frazzled, but today he was a little nervous. He was excited to see Noah again, but he didn’t really know how the child would react. 

“So Noah and I are eating breakfast at home. I figured when everyone is set to go we could wander over to the Children’s Museum. Surprisingly, Noah hasn’t been there yet and I’ve heard great things. After that, we could grab lunch. How does that sound?”

“Sounds great. I will probably grab breakfast somewhere on the way to you. I’m gonna shoot for 8:30, is that okay?” Olivia confirmed and held back a small laugh at the thought of them being so domestic. The feeling had come up an awful lot recently. It was like Rafael was away on a business trip with his family waiting for him at home; Olivia calls every night, Barba fulfilling his promise to tell her about anything interesting that happened during the day, and with his gentle whispers of ‘goodnight’ to Noah over the phone- Olivia enjoyed the feeling and she wondered if Rafael had even noticed.


End file.
